“German,” she replies.“Occupation?”“No, just here for a few days.”As the coffin was being lowered into the ground at a Parking Officer’s funeral, a voice from insidescreams: “I’m not dead, I’m not dead. Let me out!”The Vicar smiles, leans forward, sucking air through his teeth and mutters, “Too late, mate, the paperwork’s already done.”I spent a couple of hours defrosting the fridge last night.Or “foreplay” as she likes to call it.After both suffering from depression for a while, me and the missus were going to commit suicide together yesterday.Strangely enough, however, once she killed herself I started to feel a lot better.So I thought - sod it, I’ll soldier on.I woke up this morning at 8 and could sense something was wrong.I got downstairs and found the wife face down on the kitchen floor, not breathing!I panicked. I didn’t know what to do.Then I remembered the local cafe serves breakfast until 11.30.Got caught having a pee in the local swimming pool today.The lifeguard shouted at. “I think it may be so but I do not know, I have met none of those you call police,” I say. “I know only that something is not right. I know that when man tells you to leave car he— it is not what you tell me will happen. And it is not proper that he tells you this, it is not right.”“How? How did you know?”I can find no way to speak this. I cannot say it is this thing or that thing. While I try to think of words I can say she breaks my thought.“Was it the way he smelled?” she asks. “His attitude? Did you look at his car?”I shrug; these were a part, though only small, but what are right words? “I know,” is all I can at last say. “It was not right.”“Just instinct then?”I ask her what is instinct, and she explains that it is feeling of animals that leads them to act without thinking. I know men may do in this way too, my reasons were not so but I can find no better way to speak it. I tell her yes, instinct.“Would you have done the same thing if you’d thought it was a real policeman?” she.
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